“How are you?” is a query many people are acquainted with. It’s most likely the query we get requested extra usually than another. Many people routinely reply with ‘high-quality thanks, you?’, as a result of that’s the response we’ve discovered to present. It’s the response we heard the adults round us trot out every time they had been requested how they had been; they most likely discovered it from the adults round them.
Individuals are turning into more and more conscious of this. Numerous campaigns encourage us to ‘ask twice‘ or to ask ‘how are you, actually?’.
The issue is, we don’t at all times have a solution. We don’t at all times know the way we’re.
Our Head Is Buzzy
Generally, our heads are buzzy and fuzzy. Virtually just like the static that happens when a radio or TV doesn’t have sufficient sign.
An excessive amount of data has are available. Too many ideas are whizzing round. We’re completely overloaded. Layers of ideas, phrases, textual content, interactions and messages stack on prime of each other, jumbling themselves up within the course of.
We are able to’t suppose, as a result of ‘it’ is simply too loud. We’re overwhelmed, overloaded, and earlier than we will correctly interact in any dialog, we want time to wind down.
WE CAN’T CATCH OUR THOUGHTS
There are occasions after we do have ideas, however we will’t catch them to learn them. We are able to see them in our thoughts. They’re there, on the very fringe of our imaginative and prescient. Simply out of attain.
We are able to’t catch them. We are able to’t pull them down, or convey them shut sufficient to us that we’re capable of learn them. It’s so irritating.
We all know that our ideas are there, and we all know that if we may simply seize them and browse them, then we may talk much more successfully, and inform you how we’re. However irrespective of how onerous we strive, they keep out of attain.
BRAIN FOG IS SMOTHERING US
Mind fog can smother us. It clouds our head and may make our tongue thick and heavy. Our ideas get smothered; buried below the thick, dense fog.
We are able to’t inform you how we’re, as a result of the fog smothers the reply. It’s so thick that it doesn’t permit something in or out. Our ideas have slowed proper down.
Supplying you with an honest response would contain wading by means of this fog; digging right down to uncover our ideas and emotions. We don’t have the vitality to do this. So we will’t inform you how we’re.
WE’RE DISCONNECTED FROM OURSELVES
Generally we change into disconnected from ourselves. This may occur in a bodily and psychological sense.
Bodily, we could not discover after we’re hungry, thirsty, in ache, too scorching, or too chilly. Generally it may be harmful as a result of we neglect to see to our primary wants.
Psychologically, we cease connecting with our ideas and emotions. Generally this can be a trauma response; after we expertise terrible issues, our mind can shut down to guard us. We ‘swap off’ to outlive. Generally we squash and squish every little thing down as a result of we’re not in an area the place we really feel capable of work by means of it. The extra we squash, squish and ignore, the extra disconnected we change into.
Disconnection can imply that we begin to stay a bizarre spacey existence. We do not know how we’re, bodily or mentally, and really feel barely indifferent from ourselves always.
THINGS HAVE BEEN VERY MIXED
Life isn’t clean. If we cease to analyse how we really feel, it could actually generally be tough to slender it down to 1 ‘factor’.
Day by day, we undergo many alternative feelings. So, developing with a concise reply to the ‘how are you’ query may be difficult. We’d have felt each nice, and garbage, so does that imply that we steadiness out as ‘high-quality’? Can we common our feelings? Probably not. Being ‘okay’ doesn’t precisely clarify how we’re. It glosses over too many issues.
Possibly we may provide you with a much less concise reply? However then how a lot ought to we inform you? How a lot element ought to we give? Figuring this out could cause our mind to jam. We get caught. We don’t know what to say – so we default to ‘high-quality’ or ‘okay’, and the dialog strikes on.
‘HOW ARE YOU?’ IS A VERY OPEN QUESTION
A few of us battle with open questions. Once we attempt to reply them, we rapidly spiral into overwhelm as we attempt to work out what it’s we’re being requested.
Are we alleged to be speaking about ‘how we’re’ bodily or mentally? Ought to we speak about ‘how we’re’ at work, house, college or uni? Are we meant to debate our relationship with our household? Ought to we be speaking about our sleep routine? Do you wish to know the way nicely we’re consuming? Are you asking whether or not we’re managing to go away the home frequently? What’s it that you just wish to know?
All of those ideas and questions can flood our thoughts as we attempt to put collectively a solution. It’s overwhelming and change into distressing. We’d not have the ability to reply as a result of we will’t work out the query we’re being requested. No reply appears ‘proper’, so we don’t know what to inform you.
WE STRUGGLE WITH EMOTIONAL LITERACY
Figuring out emotions is basically tough. Generally we all know that we really feel one thing, however we don’t know what that one thing is. It doesn’t appear to suit any of the phrases that we maintain in our inner phrase financial institution.
A few of us can provide textbook definitions of particular emotions. We’d have the ability to academically describe how an individual would possibly really feel in sure conditions. However after we attempt to apply this educational information to our personal circumstances and determine our personal feelings, we’d battle.
WE’VE BEEN SO BUSY THAT WE HAVEN’T STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT IT
Life can get busy.
Generally, after we’re always operating from one factor to a different, we don’t have an opportunity to cease (and even pause) and check-in with ourselves. We don’t know the way we really feel as a result of we don’t have the time or area to consider it. From the second we get up, to the minute we go to mattress, our time is accounted for. Our mind is operating 1,000,000 miles an hour to attempt to keep on prime of every little thing.
We don’t have the time, vitality, or mind area to work out how we really feel, nevermind talk these emotions.
WE’RE AVOIDING THINKING ABOUT IT
Generally, the rationale we’re so busy is in order that we don’t have to consider how we really feel. It would really feel too tough. We’d not wish to confront it or admit issues to ourselves. So we busy-fy our lives on function, tackle increasingly more commitments, volunteer for all kinds of issues, and fill our downtime with TV, social media, books, and the rest that stops us from pondering.
WE’VE BEEN GETTING MIXED MESSAGES
Generally, we depend on others to inform us how we really feel; however completely different individuals can have completely different opinions. Some would possibly inform us that they’re critically frightened about us. Others would possibly remark that we’re doing rather well. A good friend would possibly inform us that we glance drained or low, whereas one other would possibly say it’s good to see us being a bit extra ‘us’.
It’s actually complicated. All these completely different individuals have completely different opinions on our life, temper, emotions and common wellbeing. It will possibly create battle in our thoughts as we attempt to navigate the query of how we’re, making it tough to determine a solution.
WE’RE TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN
Feeling low is tiring. It will possibly additionally trigger our sleep to go all wonky, making the tiredness even worse.
Turning our focus inward, determining our emotions and speaking them, is totally exhausting. It’s draining and may go away us feeling wrung out. We all know that an sincere response would possibly end in follow-up questions, too, and that’s one thing that we positively don’t have the vitality for.
Typically, it’s far simpler (and quite a bit much less effort) to say that we don’t know the way we really feel, and hope the dialog strikes on.
WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW
Speaking about how we’re may be onerous.
Some individuals are actually open and can fortunately focus on their ideas and emotions with anybody and everybody. Others are extra personal and have a small group of people that we chat to, as a substitute.
A few of us course of our ideas and emotions by speaking to others. Others wish to determine all of it out earlier than having a dialog.
We’re all completely different, and it may be that we’re in a spot the place we merely don’t wish to speak about how we’re.
WE’RE NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT OR EVASIVE
Generally individuals get aggravated or annoyed after we can’t reply the ‘how are you’ query. This annoyance and frustration can even kick in after we’re unable to speak how we’re in a approach that they perceive.
We’re not normally being deliberately manipulative, tough or evasive. There are many causes for not understanding how we’re – starting from genuinely not understanding, to not wanting to debate it at the moment.
Whether or not we will work out our emotions or not, we’re not alone. We’re not the one one that’s felt the way in which we do.
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